Fear of new beginnings

Do the thing you fear the most and the death of fear is certain.
— Mark Twain

When I thought of starting my blog, initially I was scared that it would be a failure. Then I thought of the first time when I had the same thought while travelling. It was back in 2011 when I traveled to Pangot, Uttrakhand.

I realized my fear of heights during rappelling in Pangot. On that fine morning, when the instructor showed how rappelling is done, it looked very easy and smooth. As I ascended the rock and looked down, my heartbeat fastened and I felt I would fall and die. My legs were jammed in one place and even though the trainer kept saying it is safe and nothing would happen, I feared either the rope would break or loosen and I would injure myself. I waited there and after a while, mustered up some courage and went. I was all set for rappel with harness in place around my waist and positioned myself along the edge. But an sense of unease prevailed for what was about to come next and I prayed for this experience to get over at the earliest.

I started the descend as instructed and the sense of uneasiness started washing over. Though I was steady but it was not a smooth ride. After a point, it became tough due to the shape of the rock and exhaustion only worsened it. Instead of listening to the instructor, I hastily stepped at what seemed like a sure footing and hit the rock. Thanks to the helmet, I did not hit my head. As I hit the rock, I lost my balance and kept hanging loosely from the rope. Due to this, the rope tied around my waist tightened and my arms continued to scrape and bruise along the rough edges of rock. I completed remainder of the process by scraping and hanging as I was too nervous to place my feet back on the rock. When I finally touched ground, I was relieved. I was in pain, not only because of the bruises on my arms and waist but also as I had torn the sleeves of my top. I was upset because only a few people got injured and I was among them. I felt weak and that lowered my self-esteem.

After two days when the pain subsided, I thought it was better to have suffered this pain than not having experienced it at all. Had I given up initially, I would have only known that I fear heights. But by going through with this adventure, I knew for sure that I will overcome it eventually. The thought of facing my fear and overcoming it was far bigger than the pain suffered in the process.

I had the same resistance and fear while starting this blog. But when I looked back to my first experience in adventure sports and how I have evolved since then, I just knew I have to start writing, no matter the results. Because even if I may not succeed immediately, with continuous effort, that will happen.